


I didn't realize what I felt and it hurt when I finally did

by Hoothootowls



Category: The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012), The Perks of Being a Wallflower - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Drama & Romance, Hurt, M/M, Patrick and charlie are probably not going to work out, Probably comfort later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 06:33:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16759840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hoothootowls/pseuds/Hoothootowls
Summary: The wall flower fanfic where Charlie is romantically rejected by Patrick in his second year of high school. Senior year he meets Steven.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie struggles with his feelings and Patrick comes for a school break and hangs out with Charlie.

After everyone left for secondary schooling Charlie was alone. Not completely because his family was always there for him and his therapist. Phone calls from Patrick and Sam as much as possible with their busy schedule. Occasionally calls from the others as well.  
  
School was just lonely though. Felt like the first year in the beginning all over again. When he started high school. Before he met the gang.

  
Things have been better though so he cant complain too much. He has so much to be grateful for. Like...things. His family loves him. His friends love him.   
  
But some things dont get better and just get worse over time. Things such as love. Probably romantic love. He's still trying to figure it out. Why does something natural have to be so hard to understand?  
  
Patrick is something so hard to understand.  
  
Never mind I'm sorry, Patrick isnt. I am. Myself and my dysfunctional brain. My brain that knows Patrick is in love with Brad still. Has always been and always will. My brain also sends me feelings of guilt and shame because I think i might love Patrick. I dont know when it happened. All I know is it's almost unbearable now.  
  
Maybe it started from the beginning when Patrick paid attention to me. Maybe it happened when I saw him try to snort a condom in his nose and he almost hurt himself. Maybe it started when he kissed me in the middle of a break down.  
  
Back then I had no idea I'd eventually fall in love with him. I thought I loved Sam. I did love Sam. I'm not sure how that changed.  
  
When I really concentrate I'm almost certain it happened after I gave Sam my mixtape. In the moment when Sam asked me if I knew what she meant, I did. I saw her. Then my eyes caught Patrick and he was just doing his own thing. Right then I thought he was so beautiful too. Even a little more than Sam.  
  
I still loved Sam though. Didn't even consider Patrick as anything but my greatest friend. Besides Micheal of course.  
  
Next I didn't have time to think about how I thought Patrick was beautiful. So much happened in the next few months. Christmas, Sam's kiss, dating Mary Elizabeth, breaking up with Mary Elizabeth, losing everyone and punching out Brad.  
  
Not until everything was mostly okay again. Mostly because Patrick was a mess. It was the break down induced kiss that really got the gears moving for my feelings for Patrick. Not exactly at that moment because Patrick was hurting and I was just trying my best to help him even if I wasnt able to do much.  
  
The kiss changed a lot. It made me feel different.  
  
But then a lot happened again and I wasnt in the state of mind to think of feelings or love. Not with what I learned about aunt Helen. I wasnt ready to even consider thinking of romance for the next year.  
  
Actually I never didn't have time to really think about it.  
  
Middle of second year of high school I kissed Patrick in his truck. I dont know what possibly possessed me in that particular moment but I just leaned over and kissed him. Soft and easy. I didn't realized what I did until Patrick said something.  
  
"Charlie?"  
  
It was horrible. My stomach plummeted into my gut and the anxiety itched everywhere. No more was the calm relaxing atmosphere in the truck. Suffocating and choked I didn't say anything. I couldn't lift it eyes above his knees. I wanted to run away. My mind was racing yet blank all at the same time.  
  
"Charlie it's okay."  
  
What. No it's not. It's not okay. I kissed him. Everything is not okay. I dont even know why i did that.  
  
"Listen, Charlie. I dont know what's going on but let's talk this out?"  
  
"im sorry."  
  
It was all I could utter out. I felt my eyes stinging.

_Don't cry. Don't cry._  
  
"Okay"  
  
_What?_ "What?"  
  
"I said okay. I dont know why you kissed me but it's okay."  
  
"Really?" I couldn't believe my luck. Patrick was amazing.  
  
"Yeah dont worry" was all Patrick said after.  
  
Which was worrying because then it became silent again. Not the relaxing silent either. It was tense. I could see something on the tip of his tongue ready to come out. He said nothing.  
  
He dropped me off with a good bye.

-

  
I ruined everything.


	2. Chapter 2

I ruined everything.  
  
Everything.  
  
Patrick didn't say anything besides don't worry and it's okay but something's wrong. So wrong. I messed up. He's going to hate me. Leave me behind. Oh nooooo, he's going to tell Sam. He's going to tell everyone and then they'll hate me too. Or treat me different. I won't have them in my life again. Because I screwed up again.  
  
I ruined everything.  
  
Silent. It was so silent on the ride home after that. Patrick is never silent. At least not for that long. Definitely not with the mood so tense. I cant believe I did that. I kissed him. Why did do that?  
  
_It felt so right in the moment that's why._  
  
-  
  
Nothing changed.  
  
Patrick didn't bring it up again. I didnt bring it up again. No one seemed to know about it. So things stayed the same.  
  
Except something did change.  
  
Patrick hesitates now when we are too caught up in a moment and our faces get closer. He always does this small jerk away that he thinks I don't notice. Someone is with us majority of the time and when we are alone Patrick always seems to sit a little farther than before. Rides home are surprisingly the most familiar and routine. Not much has changed.  
  
Only thing is everytime we say good bye it feels like he wants to add something. He never does. I never ask.  
  
-  
  
Then he does say something.  
  
"You remember Brad?"  
  
Of course I remember Brad. "Yeah."  
  
"You know how we ended?"  
  
Where is this going, "yeah Patrick. I do."  
  
"I'm not over him."  
  
_Oh._ "Okay."  
  
"I'm sorry Charlie." He isnt quite looking at me but is faced my direction. Which is okay as I am once again not able to make eye contact.  
  
"Why?" _What am I saying? Why? **Why?**_

  
"The kiss Charlie." I always admired how he can just cut to the chase when it matters.  
  
"Oh okay."  
  
"Okay?" He sounds confused and I dont know what to say.  
  
"It was an accident. It didnt mean anything Patrick. Sorry for worrying you."  
  
"Okay Charlie have a good night"  
  
-  
  
  
_I love Patrick._  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just needed to post this before I forget about it


	3. Chapter 3

  
  
_I love Patrick._  
  
It was a horrible realization.  
  
-  
  
Patrick seemed more relaxed after that talk. The next day when we hung out it felt like before the kiss.  
  
Except I felt different now. I know how I feel now. It's not something I'm proud of or happy about. It's just something I have to deal with now. Patrick said his part about the kiss. I said mine. Even if my side was sort of a lie.  
  
It was an accident but it did mean something. It meant something important. It was love. Which is so stupid of me. I always fall for the wrong person. First Sam and now Patrick? I didn't even know I was gay. Am I gay?  
  
-  
  
Patrick is going back to school today. He was only on a short break and now it's over. It feels like so much has happened the past few days. I'm both relieved and very sad over him leaving. Pros and cons basically.  
  
Pro: I get to think about what I learned about myself.  
  
Con: Patrick is leaving and I'm going to feel so alone again.  
  
Pro: I don't have to watch Patrick be so close to me yet feel so far away.  
  
Con: He's going to be literally so far away physically.  
  
-  
  
I'm sending off Patrick now. And I guess it's time for good byes for now. Until next break and Patrick isnt flooded with stuff to do. I hope its soon.  
  
"Charlie." He calls to me.  
  
"Um yeah?" I want to hit myself. What a lame reply.  
  
"See you next time I'm around." He says and I can't help but hope next time is soon.  
  
"Yeah Patrick." I put up a soft smile. Its genuine and I hope he gets that. Things have gotten better I dont want to make them weird again.  
  
"Charlie." He looks a little serious this time and my stomach tightens.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Are you sure you're okay?" It makes me want to cry a bit with how he worries about me. How gentle he is with me. And how easy it is to tell he isnt acting. Not with eyes so pretty and truthful.  
  
_Darn I'm pretty gay._

"Of course I am." I hope I'm reassuring and not looking awkward.  
  
"You know its okay to tell me anything right Charlie? Like the kiss."  
  
Alert. Alert. I dont know what to say and I'm going to look anxious and he's going to worry.  
  
"Um I already said that was a, you know. Accident. And that I respect what you told me about your feelings on Brad." I hope to dear God or anyone that was the right thing to say.  
  
"Alright Charlie," he smiles so nicely "stay safe and hydrated."  
  
-  
  
I don't see Patrick for another year.  
  
-  
  
I accidentally spill my water all over someone's work.  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OwO who's this?

**Author's Note:**

> Man when was the last time I wrote anything ?


End file.
